Memories of the City

I miss L.A. I miss the people there. I miss the times I spent with friends and the sense of ease and cool on people's minds. Where the attitude of "Let Live" was more the norm than a slogan. Working here in Texas is more about survival than it is about ease. I work everyday here in West Texas and at night. It can be desolate traveling between towns and pure darkness all around. My job with at-risk youths can be fulfilling but it's still not enough for me. When I spend most of my waking hours in getting to know these kids, I realize how limited I can take my relationship with them. They will never know that I am gay unless I tell them. And if I tell them, then that means that I'm quitting or I want to get fired. It just sucks to work in Texas, especially for the state, when you're a sexual minority, and especially working in the educational realm or working with teen youths.

Just because I'm attracted to men, don't mean I'm a pedophile. Sure, every gay man can find attraction in working with teenagers, but a hetero man can also be attracted to a young female teen. That doesn't mean he's going to rape her. One must control one's actions and be professional, but that goes for any line of work. But of course, there's a double standard for sexual minorities. It's assumed in our culture that sexual minorities working with young teens or in the educational area, are going to molest those under their care, which is wrong of our culture. Ironically, if every gay, bi, lesbian, trans-gendered, or queer teacher in the US, regardless of state, would publicly come out to their co-workers and students, it would make huge impact on a closest child's life. It may even save that child's life from suicide, even decrease bullying. Such massive act in our country, would deliver the message that being gay does not mean being afraid. We have to dispel this culture of fear if we are to live an equal society. How can we stop bullying or youth suicides if we, sexual minorities, are forced to be closeted at our work.

Yeah, I feel guilty everyday for who I am and for what I've not done as being gay. I've had to still avoid talk about my personal life to my co-workers so that I can keep my job and not be unemployed. Don't get me wrong, I'm truly blessed to have a job. I am paying my bills on time and slowly but surely getting out of debt. But at what price? I feel less in the 21st century than I do living in the McCarthy Era of the 1950s in rural America, secreting meeting other gays behind closed doors like I'm in the Mattachine Society. I feel like a cockroach, hiding in the corners of society. I just can't believe I'm in the same damn situation as if I'm still under the DADT in the military. We need stop this crap, this discrimination, this hate. We need ENDA. Cause my country still treats me like crap, even as working gay veteran. We deserve more.

Round the Bend

Does anyone know any barber shops in the Big Bend?  I'm now living in the stuff where Western legends and films were made. No gas stations or barber shops for at least 30min or 1hr away. But the beauty of living here is beyond words. But where are the barber shops??? I can't even get phone service in the place I'm living in. Welcome to West Texas. In the middle of nowhere.

Anyways, yeah, I got a job. A job that's challenging yet rewarding (at the end of the day at least). Well, I'm now workin' with "at-risk" teens from 16-19yrs of age.  Mainly boys. And boy, what a bunch they are. From all kinds of fucked up backgrounds-drug attics, gang-bangers, homeless, abusive families, etc. Yet, these kids have so much potential to change their lives for the better. They just have to believe it themselves. So far, I've been working with them for a couple of months, and I'm planning to do this for about a year or so, for now. I want to seriously think and plan for my future, about what direction I want to go, if I decide going back to school or military again. Either way, this job is a life-rewarding experience for me, it's honestly a godsend really. Everyday, I learn from these kids, they teach me so much about myself, about the impact of the decisions I make or they make, about social intelligence.  And of course, discipline in how to give it and to deal with the consequences of actions. To stick to your decisions and be accountable for them. They show me how much promise life can give. And they also show me the darkness in human nature. Some are also social-paths in the making or already are. One day for me is like a week's experience in dealing with people at work or kids from any other school.

I've already been threatened with getting punched or hit at, been cussed it, been accused of something I didn't do by these kids. I'm really surprised I haven't been hit at yet. Some of these kids are emotional time-bombs waiting to get set off. Lots of drama. Some are as dumb as bag of rocks that it boogles the mind, some (like a handful) are college material for a 4yr university and quick learners. Some are ignorant about people (like gays) and of the world that it's unthinkable for them to think in that way or differently than what they think. Some are a hot mess. And some just don't give a shit, about anyone or their future. Again, everyday is filled with life lessons for me. And at the end of the day, I know I have in some way, contributed to these kids' lives and impacted them in some way. That I tried to impact them positively or to teach them about the consequences of their actions. Well, I'll update you some more later....

Sunday Faith by Black Spark Films

As a gay man, gay porn is part of growing up, learning about sex, and releasing our lustful urges on sexual images on a screen.  But too often in viewing most of the mainstream gay porn, we get accustomed to the technical way it moves about kissing-foreplay including oral, rimming-fucking-then climax, usually in those phases.  Too often the gay porn industry neglects the personal/emotional side of gay sex.  And then leader from Black Spark Flims has a vision and creates pieces of art like this one.  Beautiful, raw, & sexual in every way.  Truly a breathe of fresh air.  Enjoy.

Rise of the Queers: USMC DADT Message

I'd never thought I'd see the day that the US Marine Corp make a video on lifting the DADT policy.  I'm currently re-reading a book that examines the gay men & masculinity of the Marine Corp in The Masculine Marine: Homoeroticism in the U.S. Marine Corp by Steven Zeeland. Although it was written over 10 years ago, it's very amazing to read  the perspectives of the interviewees & how it compares to our time now.  I remember in the book one of the interviewees states that the Marine Corp will probably be the last to lift the DADT policy & accept gays but who would believe that in our day & age of 2011 that the Marine Corp who be the 1st service to usher implementation in lifting the ban & promoting acceptance for gays with THIS video. AWESOME!!!!!  OMG I'm sooo going into the Marine Corp. I mean how can I not join into the military at a time like this.  That's when it gets lifted that is.  After it is, there will be no fear to hide for being who we are. But there's still work to be done in this country/military for equality of the LGBT community like Non-Discrimination Act, Marriage Act, etc. But imagine after, there will be, for the 1st time in our military history, a new generation of queer men & women to serve openly, support groups for us, & to meet together openly. I definitely what to be a part of that.  Plus also imagine at the all the hot sex too.  Who could resist that!

Sorry, it's been awhile since I blogged, I've been acting sick there past couple of days, like recovering from a bad case of GERD. It's been a roller-coaster of hospital visits, heartburn, & paranoia. It's a first time experience for me, so I'm definitely still trying to make sense of this condition & reflection on myself & the feeling the possibility of the O (Death).  But it was just a feeling.  More of the unknown.  But I've never felt that sense of desperation as I've done these past couple of days.  My sick days gave me the realization that death can be a every corner, that health is a precise gift, & everyday is not to be taken for granted. Life is beautiful, short, & sweet.

All the more for me to train to get fitter, stronger, & prepare for the service when the DADT policy is officially lifted.  My main goal so far is to gain weight/muscle mass. I'm sure every gay man has some personal issues with there weight or trying to live up to the sexy image of muscles & masculinity. So I'm on my journey to gain some muscle, mainly to get stronger, not really to get sexier, but to survive what's to come.  But if I start getting attractive, so be it, all the more.  I feel like every gay man pressured to live up this imaginary sexy image, but I've come to understand that you must make up your own image of you that's harder to conceptualize into reality.  Plus it's ok to be not be typical or adored or to be single.  I realized I don't need that. I just need to know me. I'm evolving for sure.  And you know what, America is evolving too in accepting us.  The LGBT community is evolving too.  I truly believe the day when the word "gay" becomes obsolete is the day when who we love, regardless of gender, will be of no difference & of no discrimination to anyone.  Where it will be normal for little Jimmy to take Billy to the prom without making the national news or resistance. I hope I live to see that day.  That will be beautiful.  Tomorrow's a new dawn. Stay tuned for more of your little CookieMonster...