On the Road

My job searches are going not as well than I expected. I've been applying to numerous positions around the country but I rarely get any responses back on if I got it or not. All but two have emailed me back. But anyways, One of those I am pursuing further, just takes some more paperwork and more steps to go, but this is a real potential position could get really. Yahhh!!!! Then I can stopping worrying about not keeping up with my bills. I realize that being a single gay man, one has less to worry about financially. We're unlikely to get married due to laws in this country, let alone having kids to feed (of course there are exceptions), and if a gay couple does pursue gay marriage and kids, more than likely, their in a better stable/financial position for spend more on extra bodies and usually more mature, like in their 30s to middle age, compared to us 20 yr old youngin's.

Young people tend to burn thru alot of cash quick. Today is Black Friday and I so wish I had the cash to get to latest games for my Xbox 360. But I'm near broke and waitin' for that job break-in to make that cash-money. But being a gay consumer, one also has to navigate which businesses are actually not using your hard-earned cash against you, like if their supporting anti-gay politicians or giving funds to hate groups. For companies like Target or Bestbuy that have been in the news recently, sexual minorities can't just look the other way and still think companies have our gay interests in mind. Companies don't deserve to be treated like people let alone think that they can get away in impacting politics and American lives. I now stay the hell away from these stores. I even tore up my Best-buy card in my own protest.  There's nothing that hurts a company than in their pocket books, and they ain't gonna get none of mine.

The Christmas season is upon us and people expected to buy gifts, which is always awkward for me.  Whenever I give gifts to people that are not family, there's always that awkward moment when the receiver, especially males, thinks 'why did he get me a gift.  He must really like me more than a friend' or they feel obligated to return the favor or won't accept my gift cause they don't want to feel obligated.  Big headache really.  Believe me, I was once in the Christmas spirit of giving but I gave up on people and to think that I could just give simply a gift and not worry about its implications.  With my family on the other hand, we usually don't buy gifts for each other, cause were all broke anyways.  But my father did ask me what I wanted for Christmas, which I still don't have any idea what I want.  Maybe an electric guitar or a new ipod or a new cellphone or just cash or a plane ticket to Chicago.

I still don't know.  But traveling I love to do and being on the road.  The fact that I don't have a job or anything to tie me down locally, I can go and move to anywhere.  The con is I don't got enough cash to sustain my move outside of the Texas border or I'll be bummin' rides.  Not fun.  I do miss the coastal cities like Fort Lauderdale or Los Angeles.  Yeah, especially California.  I miss the West.  I miss the people, my Cali friends, and all the hot guys there.  What's so interesting about Cali are the men.  There seems to be a more comfortable tolerance of gay men overall that you can feel in the air, even some extra gay-friendly action one can get from hetero men if your in the right time and the right place.  Any other state that I've been, meaning the South, you'd have to search online or at the gay bars or the bathhouses for some action/safety.  I have been tempted to just drive out of here and just take as much shit as I can put in my car and go on the road to Los Angeles or to San Francisco or to Miami even.  Forget the past and start anew.  But I got to think smart and wait for that right time, where I will be in a better financial position.  Til then, I'll have to settle for crashing at my parents/relatives' homes, watching online shows of Dexter, and eating ice cream while playing Fallout NewVegas til late in the night, which is the only action (sadly not the man-sex action) I can get right now.  Sigh.  I feel fat.

A New Chapter: A Veteran's Day Outing

Well. Alot has happened since I actually wrote me. Officially, I am now out of the military. I'm out of the Air Force now. Ironically, I was involuntarily separated and not "outed" under the DADT. I didn't do nothing illegal or wrong. I was in training for a rated/flying career position for about a year, but unfortunately, I was removed out of the training program due to "performance deficiencies," meaning failing too many missions, even thou I did extremely well academically and being 100% physically fit. The program is rigorous, demanding, definitely not for everyone. Yeah, I could have planned and executed better than those days in hinds-sight, but I can honestly say I didn't quit and gave it my all. Nevertheless, it will always be a failure that will stick out in mind, one that I will always bear and learn from. I have made mistakes in my life, a few big ones for sure, but entering into that program was not one of them. And I don't have any regrets either for going into it, but one. And that's me failing the program. But after that was the AF's decision.

Normally, whenever someone washes out of the program, they get reclassified into another career field that's doable and more to one's strengths, for instance if you have an Engineering, then Civil Engineering is the mostly likely choice the AF wants you at. But since I don't have a technical degree, it's not so easy I guess. And the AF is currently down-sizing, so even though I was young officer and have thousand-of-dollars training and qualifications, it was the AF's decision to cut me loose from active duty. And "out of my control" according to the AF. I didn't think it would happen to me after a good amount of years spent up to this point, not being out, playing by the hetero rules of DoD. So yeah, I was upset, pissed, depressed, but it was alot of waiting, and waiting, and waiting, then rush, rush, to get separated. So I had some quality time to myself to contemplate. After the fact, it's failure that I must learn from and that this is a new opportunity for me. To actually live my life as a gay man that I could never do in the military. I've never been publicly out or to pursue public gay social life normally. But there's still that desire to serve. I still feel that burn in me whenever I think "Man, I've been kicked out of the AF." Yeah, with an honorable discharge and fuck yeah, I don't have to pay back all my scholarship money from the AF, but call me crazy, I still feel unfulfilled, like I really didn't get a chance to serve at my best, or a chance to redeem myself. My honor is still at stake.

But to live honorably under the DADT policy as a gay man was hell, really a prison. I had to be schizophrenic, distrustful of others, and low confidence of myself for not being me. And now....I'm actually free. I still want to serve, but I'm free and can be out, regardlesss of where I choose to work at. I'm free, I'm free, those are powerful words. So imagine the day when this DADT policy is lifted for those that are gay and still in the military. And it's coming sooo soon. First, the Dec.1 report, which BTW the results look very positive, according to the news of the leaked DoD survey results, on sexual minorities serving and more of an afterthought, like "whatever". And then the law of Congress to lift it in the lame duck session, which there should be no excuse for LGB people to serve after that. Anyways, time and history will be the judge of that, and believe me, I will never forget that discrimination and oppression of living under the DADT policy. And I will never back down for being who I am or be silent about the bullshit that people say about sexual minorities. And people, I've taken alot of bullshit that people have said about us sexual minorities and it boggles the mind on the ignorance that people say. I will never forget all that bullshit. Never.

So yeah, new chapter, new life. Now jobless, diving into the weak-ass US job workforce, but hey, I'm alive, young, and of course, free. Proud to be free, proud to be me, proud to now be a veteran (which BTW I sound fuckin' old), and proud to be an American to serve, even if it was under bullshit-y circumstances to be in, more or less. But those were the cards I was dealt,that's life and one learns. What am I going to do about? Well, ot's fucking ironic for sure. But I will move on. And yeah, I really want to serve again, who knows, I may become a Marine the next time possibly. But for now, I'm home, I'm free to be me. A new chapter's beginning not just for me, but for America & its service members as well. I'll keep you posted...