Well. Alot has happened since I actually wrote me. Officially, I am now out of the military. I'm out of the Air Force now. Ironically, I was involuntarily separated and not "outed" under the DADT. I didn't do nothing illegal or wrong. I was in training for a rated/flying career position for about a year, but unfortunately, I was removed out of the training program due to "performance deficiencies," meaning failing too many missions, even thou I did extremely well academically and being 100% physically fit. The program is rigorous, demanding, definitely not for everyone. Yeah, I could have planned and executed better than those days in hinds-sight, but I can honestly say I didn't quit and gave it my all. Nevertheless, it will always be a failure that will stick out in mind, one that I will always bear and learn from. I have made mistakes in my life, a few big ones for sure, but entering into that program was not one of them. And I don't have any regrets either for going into it, but one. And that's me failing the program. But after that was the AF's decision.
Normally, whenever someone washes out of the program, they get reclassified into another career field that's doable and more to one's strengths, for instance if you have an Engineering, then Civil Engineering is the mostly likely choice the AF wants you at. But since I don't have a technical degree, it's not so easy I guess. And the AF is currently down-sizing, so even though I was young officer and have thousand-of-dollars training and qualifications, it was the AF's decision to cut me loose from active duty. And "out of my control" according to the AF. I didn't think it would happen to me after a good amount of years spent up to this point, not being out, playing by the hetero rules of DoD. So yeah, I was upset, pissed, depressed, but it was alot of waiting, and waiting, and waiting, then rush, rush, to get separated. So I had some quality time to myself to contemplate. After the fact, it's failure that I must learn from and that this is a new opportunity for me. To actually live my life as a gay man that I could never do in the military. I've never been publicly out or to pursue public gay social life normally. But there's still that desire to serve. I still feel that burn in me whenever I think "Man, I've been kicked out of the AF." Yeah, with an honorable discharge and fuck yeah, I don't have to pay back all my scholarship money from the AF, but call me crazy, I still feel unfulfilled, like I really didn't get a chance to serve at my best, or a chance to redeem myself. My honor is still at stake.
But to live honorably under the DADT policy as a gay man was hell, really a prison. I had to be schizophrenic, distrustful of others, and low confidence of myself for not being me. And now....I'm actually free. I still want to serve, but I'm free and can be out, regardlesss of where I choose to work at. I'm free, I'm free, those are powerful words. So imagine the day when this DADT policy is lifted for those that are gay and still in the military. And it's coming sooo soon. First, the Dec.1 report, which BTW the results look very positive, according to the news of the leaked DoD survey results, on sexual minorities serving and more of an afterthought, like "whatever". And then the law of Congress to lift it in the lame duck session, which there should be no excuse for LGB people to serve after that. Anyways, time and history will be the judge of that, and believe me, I will never forget that discrimination and oppression of living under the DADT policy. And I will never back down for being who I am or be silent about the bullshit that people say about sexual minorities. And people, I've taken alot of bullshit that people have said about us sexual minorities and it boggles the mind on the ignorance that people say. I will never forget all that bullshit. Never.
So yeah, new chapter, new life. Now jobless, diving into the weak-ass US job workforce, but hey, I'm alive, young, and of course, free. Proud to be free, proud to be me, proud to now be a veteran (which BTW I sound fuckin' old), and proud to be an American to serve, even if it was under bullshit-y circumstances to be in, more or less. But those were the cards I was dealt,that's life and one learns. What am I going to do about? Well, ot's fucking ironic for sure. But I will move on. And yeah, I really want to serve again, who knows, I may become a Marine the next time possibly. But for now, I'm home, I'm free to be me. A new chapter's beginning not just for me, but for America & its service members as well. I'll keep you posted...
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