On the Road

My job searches are going not as well than I expected. I've been applying to numerous positions around the country but I rarely get any responses back on if I got it or not. All but two have emailed me back. But anyways, One of those I am pursuing further, just takes some more paperwork and more steps to go, but this is a real potential position could get really. Yahhh!!!! Then I can stopping worrying about not keeping up with my bills. I realize that being a single gay man, one has less to worry about financially. We're unlikely to get married due to laws in this country, let alone having kids to feed (of course there are exceptions), and if a gay couple does pursue gay marriage and kids, more than likely, their in a better stable/financial position for spend more on extra bodies and usually more mature, like in their 30s to middle age, compared to us 20 yr old youngin's.

Young people tend to burn thru alot of cash quick. Today is Black Friday and I so wish I had the cash to get to latest games for my Xbox 360. But I'm near broke and waitin' for that job break-in to make that cash-money. But being a gay consumer, one also has to navigate which businesses are actually not using your hard-earned cash against you, like if their supporting anti-gay politicians or giving funds to hate groups. For companies like Target or Bestbuy that have been in the news recently, sexual minorities can't just look the other way and still think companies have our gay interests in mind. Companies don't deserve to be treated like people let alone think that they can get away in impacting politics and American lives. I now stay the hell away from these stores. I even tore up my Best-buy card in my own protest.  There's nothing that hurts a company than in their pocket books, and they ain't gonna get none of mine.

The Christmas season is upon us and people expected to buy gifts, which is always awkward for me.  Whenever I give gifts to people that are not family, there's always that awkward moment when the receiver, especially males, thinks 'why did he get me a gift.  He must really like me more than a friend' or they feel obligated to return the favor or won't accept my gift cause they don't want to feel obligated.  Big headache really.  Believe me, I was once in the Christmas spirit of giving but I gave up on people and to think that I could just give simply a gift and not worry about its implications.  With my family on the other hand, we usually don't buy gifts for each other, cause were all broke anyways.  But my father did ask me what I wanted for Christmas, which I still don't have any idea what I want.  Maybe an electric guitar or a new ipod or a new cellphone or just cash or a plane ticket to Chicago.

I still don't know.  But traveling I love to do and being on the road.  The fact that I don't have a job or anything to tie me down locally, I can go and move to anywhere.  The con is I don't got enough cash to sustain my move outside of the Texas border or I'll be bummin' rides.  Not fun.  I do miss the coastal cities like Fort Lauderdale or Los Angeles.  Yeah, especially California.  I miss the West.  I miss the people, my Cali friends, and all the hot guys there.  What's so interesting about Cali are the men.  There seems to be a more comfortable tolerance of gay men overall that you can feel in the air, even some extra gay-friendly action one can get from hetero men if your in the right time and the right place.  Any other state that I've been, meaning the South, you'd have to search online or at the gay bars or the bathhouses for some action/safety.  I have been tempted to just drive out of here and just take as much shit as I can put in my car and go on the road to Los Angeles or to San Francisco or to Miami even.  Forget the past and start anew.  But I got to think smart and wait for that right time, where I will be in a better financial position.  Til then, I'll have to settle for crashing at my parents/relatives' homes, watching online shows of Dexter, and eating ice cream while playing Fallout NewVegas til late in the night, which is the only action (sadly not the man-sex action) I can get right now.  Sigh.  I feel fat.

A New Chapter: A Veteran's Day Outing

Well. Alot has happened since I actually wrote me. Officially, I am now out of the military. I'm out of the Air Force now. Ironically, I was involuntarily separated and not "outed" under the DADT. I didn't do nothing illegal or wrong. I was in training for a rated/flying career position for about a year, but unfortunately, I was removed out of the training program due to "performance deficiencies," meaning failing too many missions, even thou I did extremely well academically and being 100% physically fit. The program is rigorous, demanding, definitely not for everyone. Yeah, I could have planned and executed better than those days in hinds-sight, but I can honestly say I didn't quit and gave it my all. Nevertheless, it will always be a failure that will stick out in mind, one that I will always bear and learn from. I have made mistakes in my life, a few big ones for sure, but entering into that program was not one of them. And I don't have any regrets either for going into it, but one. And that's me failing the program. But after that was the AF's decision.

Normally, whenever someone washes out of the program, they get reclassified into another career field that's doable and more to one's strengths, for instance if you have an Engineering, then Civil Engineering is the mostly likely choice the AF wants you at. But since I don't have a technical degree, it's not so easy I guess. And the AF is currently down-sizing, so even though I was young officer and have thousand-of-dollars training and qualifications, it was the AF's decision to cut me loose from active duty. And "out of my control" according to the AF. I didn't think it would happen to me after a good amount of years spent up to this point, not being out, playing by the hetero rules of DoD. So yeah, I was upset, pissed, depressed, but it was alot of waiting, and waiting, and waiting, then rush, rush, to get separated. So I had some quality time to myself to contemplate. After the fact, it's failure that I must learn from and that this is a new opportunity for me. To actually live my life as a gay man that I could never do in the military. I've never been publicly out or to pursue public gay social life normally. But there's still that desire to serve. I still feel that burn in me whenever I think "Man, I've been kicked out of the AF." Yeah, with an honorable discharge and fuck yeah, I don't have to pay back all my scholarship money from the AF, but call me crazy, I still feel unfulfilled, like I really didn't get a chance to serve at my best, or a chance to redeem myself. My honor is still at stake.

But to live honorably under the DADT policy as a gay man was hell, really a prison. I had to be schizophrenic, distrustful of others, and low confidence of myself for not being me. And now....I'm actually free. I still want to serve, but I'm free and can be out, regardlesss of where I choose to work at. I'm free, I'm free, those are powerful words. So imagine the day when this DADT policy is lifted for those that are gay and still in the military. And it's coming sooo soon. First, the Dec.1 report, which BTW the results look very positive, according to the news of the leaked DoD survey results, on sexual minorities serving and more of an afterthought, like "whatever". And then the law of Congress to lift it in the lame duck session, which there should be no excuse for LGB people to serve after that. Anyways, time and history will be the judge of that, and believe me, I will never forget that discrimination and oppression of living under the DADT policy. And I will never back down for being who I am or be silent about the bullshit that people say about sexual minorities. And people, I've taken alot of bullshit that people have said about us sexual minorities and it boggles the mind on the ignorance that people say. I will never forget all that bullshit. Never.

So yeah, new chapter, new life. Now jobless, diving into the weak-ass US job workforce, but hey, I'm alive, young, and of course, free. Proud to be free, proud to be me, proud to now be a veteran (which BTW I sound fuckin' old), and proud to be an American to serve, even if it was under bullshit-y circumstances to be in, more or less. But those were the cards I was dealt,that's life and one learns. What am I going to do about? Well, ot's fucking ironic for sure. But I will move on. And yeah, I really want to serve again, who knows, I may become a Marine the next time possibly. But for now, I'm home, I'm free to be me. A new chapter's beginning not just for me, but for America & its service members as well. I'll keep you posted...

Naughty, Naughty Maid!!!

Here's some eye candy for all you guys and dolls out there with a maid being naughty with Cristiano Ronaldo in "Housekeeping" by Armani. It's a sexy and funny video, which is always a pleasure seeing Cristiano shirtless. Enjoy.

Cute but Evil Pandas!!!

Had to post this. Hilarious. Enjoy.

The Repealing of the DADT: Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga called her senators, have you? Let's repeal this DADT policy once and for all. Call your senators now and let's make this past history as it should have been.

Steven Daigle

I remember watching a documentary calling the Butch Factor and there was a short interview with a gay rodeo cowboy named Steven Daigle. This man was on a wild bull and flew off it and just hung onto the gated fence for dear life. And it was hot watching him and I thought I was actually seeing a real-life rodeo competition. I saw a cowboy. And it was only after the fact he said he was on Big Brother. I was clueless before. Moments can define a man's character. All I needed was to watch that moment with him and bull to see him as a fighter in the ring with the beast alone, willing to take it. I thought I wouldn't see him again on film. I wish there was more of him on that film in the gay rodeo part especially. Well, I then realized that I did see him before on my tlagay.com booklet catalog. He was on the front cover of it! Man, this really peaked my interest in him and made me want to do research on him.

He's currently in gay porn. He really has an awesome body. But what's interesting about him is his non-conformity as a gay man. He doesn't fit in that stereo-type. He's been a rodeo cowboy, gone onto TV on a reality show on CBS, and now doing porn. Pretty non-confirming path by anyone's standards, let alone being gay. That's just his public life. And that's awesome. His private life is even more raw, tragic, and telling of his character. He's been thru so much that it's amazing that he keeps a straight face in front of the camera. Check out this interview he did for Lucas Entertainment. Though he my hide his emotions on his face, its in his eyes that we can really tell the pain he's been thru by the death of his boyfriend to being rejected by his own family after telling them of his death. It's also in his eyes that we glean the strength in him. He still fights that beast in the ring as do all gay men trying to find their place in a world that unjustly rejects us. And though he's gotten beaten emotionally speaking, he still gets up and fights, and fights, and fights. He fights to live, to live his life, and to define it his way. And that's beautiful and amazing to observe that. His strength stuns me to imagine that I too can have that strength as he. He's another example of the human spirit, to endure and live on, to rise above the rest, even possibly above himself. Keep being who you are Steven, don't confirm.

DADT in COMIC BOOK by US Army

"Dignity & Respect: A Training Guide On Homosexual Conduct Policy" is apparently a comic book by the US Army in explaining or dumbing down how the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy works. Funny and disturbing. Reading it made me feel like I'm just some paperwork waiting to get processed out if and when I'm was outed, being treated like a criminal at best. You can read the full comic here.

Strength in Many

I was recently reading a web article on Derrick Martin, the gay teen from Georgia who asked to bring his boyfriend to prom. His school allowed it but his parents kicked him out. Well, turns out he's teaming up with the Trevor Project and other groups, to create Project LifeVest, an org to assist LGBT youth facing discrimination and even finding a shelter/temporary home after they come out or kicked out like him. Here's a quote from him:


"My situation and the attention it has drawn have provided me a unique perspective and opportunity that I feel I cannot pass up", Martin noted. "Young people who, like myself, have been disadvantaged because of discrimination, hate, or ignorance need somewhere to turn for help. GLAAD was my life vest, and I plan to be a life vest to as many others as I can. I only want those who face obstacles like mine to know that they are not alone, for everyone has the right to love regardless of sexual orientation."


In high school, I wasn't out and didn't want to admit to myself that I was just attracted to guys. I just didn't meet the right girl, so I thought. But I still couldn't deny part of me, to myself or to others. So when some of my jock friends would ask me if I was gay or not in high school, I wouldn't give them a straight forward answer. I didn't know myself, so how could I give them a direct answer. And even though I was jock/athlete, playing sports like football, I was still suspect to my attractions and my jock peers picked up on it, which resulted in constant questioning and getting picked on. I even had a crush on a guy friend that I thought I was hiding, but really everyone knew in the end. I was embarassed for it. And on top of that, just add dysfunctional family drama, repressed teenage-raging-sexual hormones, worries of college picks/post-high school paths, and you got the worst years of my life. I worked like hell to not let it be addressed and avoided it entirely. Bottom line, I was scared, most youths are and for justifiable reason, especially in the South, where I grew up and in high school.

Such as today, there are those crazy or brave few who finally wake up one day and say, "Fuck this, I'm tired of living a lie or pretending not to be me." And they stand up who they in being attracted to the same sex. They take the beatings, the taunts, the jokes, expulsions from school, and even being kicked out by family such as Derrick Martin. I wish I was half the teen they are when I was in high school. They are the prime examples of what it is to be American. To rise above conflict is a testament of the American spirit, the human spirit, of standing against what's wrong and saying no more to the status quo. AND THEN, after that, Derrick even has the energy to go forward and help those in the LGBT youth in jumping starting this org. Wow. His strength, as well others, speak volumes for the future and determination they have. For those youth that take a stand, whether coming out in high school or fighting for your LGBT community, I salute you.

Basement Jaxx ft Lightspeed Champion-My Turn

Recently saw this video, which is a pretty dope song and cool video. Enjoy.

araabMUZIK

Has his way with the MPC in true Dipset fashion.